Who defines me?

If I am surrounded by demanding voices, telling me who I should be, eventually I believe them. I begin to think differently. I act differently. And I forget who God meant me to be.

A young woman summed it up in one sentence: “My mother’s sons were angry with me and made me take care of the vineyards; my own vineyard I had to neglect.” (Song of Solomon 1:6) This precious woman forgot that she was an equal inheritor. Her father had given her a vineyard as well. And, no matter what anyone said, she too was worthy. She too had capability and talent. But with all that conditioning, she forgot and became a slave.

Oh, to remember that we are God’s children, that what HE gives us is ours.

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In search for humanness

In researching the life of a WWII refugee, this is what I conclude. When rulers lose their humility, they act brutally. When authorities lose their humility, they behave harshly. But it also shines the spotlight on me. For, I too can lose my humility. As a person once said, “When we thought we were right, we became monsters.”

But, Jesus steps into my life with his gentle voice, a voice so quiet it is easy to miss. “Learn from me,” he says, “for I am gentle and humble in heart.” (Matthew 11:29) He is the model for my uneducated heart. He teaches me how to become human again.

What really is fear?

It always amazes me how new insights can come years after a situation has passed…

I grew up with a lot of fear, and have worked hard over the decades to overcome it. Yet, a stark reality hit home as I read Proverbs 29:25, “Fear of man will prove to be a snare.”

The Bible called my past fears exactly what they were – traps. For this is what fear does – it captures us, makes us a prisoner, and we can’t escape.

But as I read the next part of that verse, I saw the key to that trap, one which took me years to find – “but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” For a trap has NO power as we trust in God. Our escape is real.

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“Where are you hiding, Lord?”

For many days I stood by the tomb of an adventure I led for six years. I loved the journey and the people I walked with, but it had been passed onto others. Yet I still wept.

As I remained there, with my Bible open, I read a verse that gave me direction. “Why do you seek the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen!” (Luke 24:6)

As others take on my old adventure, Jesus is calling me to another. But I have no idea where. It is like a spiritual hide-and-seek, an anxious fun as I peer behind trees, into chests, and obscure places.

I know that I will find Jesus in the place he wants me, in the adventure he has for me.

Living with success and failure…

Growing up, I missed out on an important lesson – how to live with success. Instead, I became an expert at coping with failure and disappointment.

Years later, when a major Christian publisher accepted my book, “On Unclipped Wings,” I still hadn’t learned. I didn’t understand the impact it could have on others. For every success exposes someone else’s failed dream. Every joy exposes someone else’s sadness.

Well, the threat of litigation put an end to my success, but God used that small window to teach me something profound. To live well with success is to always remember others, to “Rejoice with those who who rejoice. Mourn with those who mourn.”* It is about intentionally giving dignity and worth, my time, in a world where disappointment is rife.

*Romans 12:15

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My Author…

Derek just finished leading the Navigators UK. Eight good years, and I thank God from the bottom of my heart. Derek did such a good job.

Yet, for all this joy, I grieve. I cared for the people we worked with – deeply. Prayed for them. Hoped for them. And now it is over, even though that care for them keeps flowing.

So, in desperation I look to Jesus, and he reminds me of this – he is the author and perfecter* of my life and theirs. All of us are turning the page to the next chapter in our lives. All of us wait with bated breath. But as our lives diverge, we are in good hands, for Jesus knows what happens next. He has our stories mapped out.

*Hebrews 12:2

The opposite of fear…

Some things frighten me – especially another’s anger. I can wake up in the night, my heart aching over how a person’s anger manipulates me and those I really care for. For anger actually blocks me from freedom of choice.

The other day I read how Jesus reacted. “Every day he was teaching at the temple. But the chief priests, the teachers of the law and the leaders among the people were trying to kill him” (Luke 20:47). Angry people opposed Jesus, but he didn’t crumble with fear. He lived with an audacity that surprised me.

He did what God wanted him to do. He sat where those leaders said he shouldn’t. He didn’t flinch.

It released me to live with the same audacity – to take bold risks despite the blocks.

What is your God-adventure?

What if someone told you, “Forget about your God and just do what I say”? What would you do? Would you listen?

God knows that many voices shout out, confusing us, but he still speaks: “Listen, daughter, and pay careful attention. Forget your people and your father’s house” (Psalm 45:10) Those near and dear might try to control, might want to keep us ‘safe’, but God wants to take us where we have never gone before.

He asks us to trust him, to take a step into the unknown. He stretches out his hand and invites us to grasp it. “Come, follow me,” (Matthew 4:19) he calls. And we can, into his adventure, individually designed for each one of us.

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Despite our scars…

The other day someone asked a good question: “Do you feel scarred?”

At first, I wanted to say, “No, all is well now.” But no matter how much I dreamed of returning to those pre-trauma days, my heart-scars had altered me. They still affected the way I responded in certain situations.

So, I said: “Yes, I do have scars. But just like the physical scars many of us endure, we learn to work around them. We get on. And in the end, they no longer take centerstage in our lives. They are there, but they don’t hold us back from life.”

And this is a most beautiful part of our human heart – we can find a way to live.

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Those unexpected memories…

We may have done everything properly as we grieved:

  • Gone through the five stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance*.
  • Committed our broken hearts to God and asked him to heal us.
  • Trusted him for our future, that he would help us through.

We moved on… but then something happened to remind us. A conversation. A situation. An emotion. And we grieved yet again.

I have learned to lay each flashback at Jesus’ feet, to sit with him in the night for as long as I need. I have learned to accept his precious promises as my own. “The Lord, the King of Israel, is with you; never again will you fear any harm” (Zephaniah 3:15). We don’t have to be afraid. Jesus is with us. We can get up and live.

*1969, psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

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