Category: Establishing boundaries in grief

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When taken hostage by gaslighting…

It can be deeply painful when someone hates us for doing good. It hurts when our sense of justice is mocked, because it doesn’t bow to their demands. The Bible puts it so well. ‘You have turned justice into poison and the fruit of righteousness into bitterness’ (Amos 6:12). These kinds of people will try to poison us, to gaslight us into agreeing with their reality.

But the Bible guides us when we are in danger of being taken as a hostage: ‘They shall never enter my rest’ (Psalm 95:11). We can say, ‘NEVER!’ We can say, ‘No! You can’t come in! You will not disturb my rest.’ We can choose who we let into our lives. We can choose those who love good.

(photo by Leonie Fahjen: pexels.com)

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Ending the war in our mind…

All sorts of voices can fill our minds. Belligerent ones of those who condemn. Gentle ones of those who love. But the loud ones often win the battle in taking over our minds.

I had thought that if ever those loud voices ceased, the battle would stop. It didn’t. My mind filled up with hurt instead, and this became as loud as those condemnations.

It has taken me years to stop the war. It came through writing those condemnations down, recording in detail what happened. And then I discovered why I kept reliving my past – I didn’t want to ever forget it. But by moving it from my mind to paper, enabled the memories to keep on going, just not inside my head.

Writing can end the war in our minds. And then we can hear the gentler voices around.

(photo by Lance Reis: pexels.com)

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Some DON’Ts and DOs when comforting others

  • Don’t yawn or fall asleep, even in a midnight conversation. A griever is fragile.
  • Don’t interrupt them to tell about something good in your life. A griever is vulnerable.
  • Don’t say that others have had it worse. A griever can easily be silenced.
  • Don’t think that comfort is only hugs – it could mean taking them for a walk. A griever needs variety.
  • Don’t promise that everything will turn out alright. A griever deserves honesty.

Some DOs…

  • Do respect their emotional boundaries. Grief can only be carried by the griever.
  • Do remember that as your life goes on, they will grieve in silence. Grief is ever-present.
  • Do keep it confidential, because it is their story to share, not yours. Grief is private.
  • Do promise that you will support them as best you can. Grief is overwhelming.

Yet, there is an even greater Comforter, the one who actually makes us better – God. ‘He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds’ (Psalm 147:3).

(photo by Karolina Grabowska: https://www.pexels.com)