God is our forever friend. He knows us and he loves us. We qualify for his love…
Living amid our losses…
Living Amd Our Losses
I would like to share what the Lord has taught me concerning loss. One year stands out. I was a young mum with a toddler and my father died. My granny died. My sister fractured her back. I had a miscarriage. Derek got ill and the doctor said he might never get better. But Derek had already handed in his notice at work because we had just joined as Nav reps. On top of that we had agreed to move to Southampton to lead the student ministry. So, I packed the house alone. Then out of the blue I suffered a painful relationship breakdown with someone I deeply loved.
It all hurt too much, and I couldn’t pray.
I couldn’t read the Bible or even flick through its pages. My Bible simply stayed open where it was, at Isaiah 40:1-2. “Comfort, comfort my people. says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem…” In my losses, those two verses sustained me.
Unhelpful tips about loss: over the years, unhelpful cliches also came my way, advice I eventually learned was false.
Here are a few:
– The pain will go away if you ignore it.
– Time heals all wounds. It will get easier. Give yourself a year.
– Your pain doesn’t really count because others have it worse.
– Don’t worry. You will forget your loss.BUT WE DON’T!!
A loss is always a loss, and it is valid. It needs to be paid attention to.
Our individual response to loss
Through it I learned that each loss is unique and personal to us. And how we respond will depend on our personality, life experience, and our faith. It will depend on how significant the loss is to us. If someone says, “I hate you,” but we don’t really care about their opinion, it won’t bother us. But if someone we love says, “I hate you,” it destroys us.
So how do we move on?
In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross came up with the five stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. She also said this, “There is no typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives.” And I had to learn that no matter how someone might like me to keep my emotions tidy and under control, loss is messy. and it will mess us around.
But I did discover a way through loss, and my guide was Jesus himself.
Here are some thoughts which come from Matthew 26.
– We can grieve our losses just as Jesus did. I grieve best in the silence of night. Others grieve differently. So, it is important to know who we are and how we grieve.
– We can talk about our losses just as Jesus did with God and others. Jesus prayed, “May this cup be taken from me.” To his disciples he said, “My soul is overwhelmed.” But he chose those with whom he shared. And we too must be careful, for others might judge us and say unkind things. Hannah in the Bible, when she wept over the loss of not having children, the priest scolded her, that is, until he understood. It is an awful thing to be scolded for our losses.
– We can find comfort in God just as Jesus did. God sent an angel to comfort Jesus, and God will send us those who can comfort us. But comfort isn’t just to make us feel better. It is there to help us grow.
God used that painful relationship breakdown, and I learned a powerful lesson. I could let go of worrying about the loss of my reputation, for it is God who gives it. I could stop trying to justify myself because God would do that.
– We can get up and live just as Jesus did. To Jesus, it didn’t mean he forgot about his losses. He went up to heaven with permanent scars in his hands! But there was new life at the end.
And this is what I have learned over years, that God gives new life amid the ashes. He gives incredible joy amid our losses.
Sure, I can never go back to how life was before, but I can accept the new path God has for me. My new and uncharted normal. For God gives hope in our despair. In Psalm 34:18 it says, “The Lord is near to the broken-hearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” In Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”
And with this comfort, we can comfort others.
Our lives are a rich testimony, showing that our losses can give life to others. The Apostle Paul said, “the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble” (2 Corinthians 1:3–4). It is so true.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross made this observation: Let us become those beautiful people, loving, and living generously in our loss.
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Posted by: Tracey Jones at 8 November 2023
Eva’s book, This Crown of Comfort is available now:
‘No matter how broken or hurt we are, we are given in this excellent book the tools or ‘the calls of God’ to build a bridge to healing and wholeness. This book reminds us of God’s deep love for us in our time of greatest need and provides a spiritual balm for every situation.’
Dawn Braithwaite, solicitor and consultant
‘This Crown of Comfort conveys seven powerful messages from Isaiah about God’s tender heart towards Jerusalem. The author skillfully intertwines her many personal stories with the messages to illuminate God’s unfailing love to his people. This book is an easy read yet rich with insights, comfort and encouragement – a must for anyone who seeks healing and desires to experience God afresh.’
Anissa Chung, UKCP registered psychotherapist and supervisor
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Where we are born…
I have noticed that when we go through hard times, we often withdraw emotionally and physically. Yet, in our hiding places, God is working. He talks to our hearts. He reasons with our heads. He is training us in the silence until we are ready.
It is then we can emerge as unexpected heroes. We have overcome ourselves. We have dared to move out despite the fears we might carry. And we discovered that with God we can move on – step by step – in his strength.
(Based on the story of Gideon in Judges 6 – where he hides in a winepress and God calls him for there.)
Even Foxes Have Holes
(please click on the image below – an article I wrote on the different kinds of homelessness)
Rags-to-riches in one easy step…
Sometimes we feel like rearranging the world, especially when things get tough. We want a one-step, rags-to-riches experience. We want our troubles to vanish and for our hearts to stop breaking. We want to be happy.
Instead, with everything going on, it can feel like troubles are incoming thick and fast. We feel like collateral damage and end up sprawled on the ground. Our rags-to-riches dream seems unreachable and unreal.
Yet, we so often forget that God cares. He wants to move us from rags to riches. Not necessarily rags to wealth, or health, or an easy life. He wants to move us closer to Jesus, the greatest treasure in this world…
That one step, however, includes a fact – our rags. Yet often we will think that rags are the problem. We think that getting rid of them is our top priority…
As a young woman, I experienced rags – homelessness for two turbulent years. But during that time, two identical moments stand out and they both happened on a winter’s night, when I took a bath in a tin tub, outside behind a tin barn. A chill wind was blowing and the temperature falling, but the bath water was warm, heated on a woodstove outside.
I paused to look up. The sky was black, but the stars felt so close, almost as if I could reach out and touch them. I couldn’t resist it. I stretched out my hand and touched one star, and then another. It was all too beautiful for words.
Yet, in the two years in which I was homeless, only twice did I take the time to look up. Only twice did I think, ‘Life is so much bigger than me.’ All the other times, I peppered God with questions:
- How can you do this to me, dear God? I’m a Christian. I’m your child. You’re my father, and fathers are meant to look out for their children.
- What are you doing, dear God? My life is being wasted. I’m barely surviving. I can’t figure out what you are trying to teach me.
- Did I do something wrong and you are punishing me? Please tell me what, so I can change. I want to do what’s right.
I got no answers, but God knew what he was doing. He was willing to risk everything – my relationship with him, my dreams, my very life. He wanted to me learn something much bigger in life, that rags don’t define us, he does. Rags don’t last forever, he does.
And as I reflected in that tub, I remembered a verse: ‘It is I; don’t be afraid’ (John 6:20). God understood the storm that raged in my life. He understood the implications. Yet, he could give me hope. He could comfort me, even though nothing had changed. He became my treasure, my anchor in life. How very rich I still am.
(image: Rachel Claire – pexels.com)
She went the wrong way, but it was right…
The other day, I stood at the bus stop, waiting. A car pulled up. The window rolled down. I groaned. Someone was going to ask me for directions, and I hoped I could send them in more or less the right way. Two friends grinned back instead.
I waved, relieved. ‘Are you going into town?’ the driver called.
‘I am.’
‘Hop in. We’re going that way.’
The passenger blinked. ‘Are we?’ she said, in that tone of someone discovering her life plan had just been altered.
I pointed up the road. ‘The bus will be here in a minute.’
‘I know,’ said the driver. ‘We passed it. Hop in.’
So, I climbed in back, knowing they were headed in the wrong direction, and this time it wasn’t my fault. But as we sat and chatted, something important came up. Someone we all knew needed our support.
That fifteen-minute trip was just enough time. We came up with a plan. We would help this person in whatever way we could.
As my friends dropped me off and drove away, I wondered if they would make it back. They just might collect another waif. I marvelled at this driver who followed another kind of map, not based on location, but on her heart. I marvelled at the passenger, who embraced the adventure and laughed.
(photo by Gustavo Fring: pexels.com)
(adapted from an article and a talk I gave earlier this month)
Verses for surviving life…
My grandmother gave me some Bible passages on my wedding day, verses on how to survive life. She understood how unpredictable it could be. So, I would like to share them with you…
- Keep calm and carry on – My grandmother encouraged me to ‘Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. For those who are evil will be destroyed, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.’ (from Psalm 37:8-10). She reminded me that God is our defender, and he will take care of those who are evil. Ours is to keep calm and trust in him.
2. Don’t give up – Tears are only for a season. ‘As they pass through the Valley of Baka (or Weeping), they make it a place of springs… For the Lord God is a sun and a shield; the Lord bestows favour and honour; no good thing does he withhold from those whose way is blameless’ (Psalm 84:6, 11). With God, things will turn out okay.
3. Protect yourself – These verses start off with a word that means, ‘beware,’ ‘take heed,’ or ‘be on guard.’ It implies observation and keeping our distance. In the original, however, it has a deeper meaning – to put a hedge about (as with thorns), to guard, to protect, to preserve, to save.[i] In the original it was all about defence. And just as God is our defender, he shows us how to defend ourselves.
‘[Guard yourself, protect yourself, preserve yourself, save yourself from] your friends; do not trust anyone in your clan. For every one of them is a deceiver, and every friend a slanderer’ (verse 4 from Jeremiah 9:4-8).
4. Stay strong – My grandmother warned that there are manipulators out there. They figure out our heart and then use it to control us. If it is religion, they will get all religious. If it is our passions, they will say these are theirs as well. But Jesus forewarns us. ‘Watch out that no one deceives you. For many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am the Messiah,’ and will deceive many’ (from Matthew 24:3-13).
5. Stay rested – If you are like me, you will end up exhausted. But my grandmother reminds us that in our tiredness, Jesus says: ‘Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.’ (Matthew 11:28-30). Jesus enables us to find quiet and peace. He helps us to emotionally take a break.
6. Keep praying – In our all groans and moans, we might not even know what to pray. But Jesus understands, without us saying a single word. For the Bible says that ‘The Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans’ (Romans 8:26). My grandmother reminds us that our groans are valid and that Jesus turns them into S.O.S. prayers.
7. Keep trusting – The final verse (the one I have also quoted most in my life) is this: ‘And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose’ (Romans 8:28). As we look back at what has happened in our lives – the good, the bad, our mistakes and successes – if we look, we can see God’s hand. We can begin to understand what he has been doing all along. And we will say, ‘Why did I ever worry or distrust?’
My grandmother was so right…
[i] Hebrew for ‘beware’ – https://biblehub.com/hebrew/8104.htm
(photo by cottonrbro studio – pexels.com)
Our constant Repositioner
Verses about how God can change/reposition our perspective, even though our circumstances might remain the same…
‘Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light.’ (Micah 7:8)
‘The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind. But be glad and rejoice forever in what I will create.’ (Isaiah 65:17-18)
‘Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.’ (Matthew 11:28)
Whatever our situation, there is always another perspective – God’s. He will take us to impossible places and say, ‘Trust me that all things do work together for good.’ (Romans 8:28). He can reposition our hearts.
(photo by Lucas Martins: pexels.com)
Retrospect…
My wedding day was certainly tough. Someone stepped in and caused trouble on all sides. Then, at the reception, my granny gave me an unwrapped, tattered, black leather Bible. I had thought wedding gifts should be new!
I thanked her and flicked it open just for a second. Yellowed pages. Marked and underlined verses. I can’t tell you how sad I felt. So, I left that Bible untouched, unread. Ten years later, I sent it to a relative.
Fifteen years passed and I travelled the several thousand miles to visit this relative. They told me that during my wedding reception, my granny had stepped aside and sat quietly in a corner with that Bible on her lap. Her head was bent down as she underlined verses. ‘I didn’t know that!’ I said, surprised.
‘You should read it,’ this relative said. ‘Those verses are for you.’ Then they hurried to fetch the Bible and gave it back to me.
Out of curiosity, I opened it and searched. A whole series of passages had been marked, but it surprised me because these were my favourites as well. All these years later, I discovered that God had taken her down a similar path. Both of us had concluded that God is good, even in the midst of intense sadness. Both of us loved him.
I kept on flicking, page after page and God spoke deep into my heart. Here is one of those passages:
‘As they pass through the Valley of Baka (or Weeping), they make it a place of springs… For the Lord God is a sun and a shield; the Lord bestows favour and honour; no good thing does he withhold from those whose way is blameless’ (Psalm 84:6, 11).
Our troubles don’t define us, God does.
Finding the courage to leap
I had a decision to make, but no courage to do it. So I went for a walk to think things through. But as I did, a squirrel hopped beside me from tree to tree. Then it leapt out into space, its little arms flailing. It wanted to reach a tree on the other side.
I stopped to watch, holding my breath. Would it make it? Would the branch break? Would it fall to its death?
It managed to grab hold of the tip of a branch. The branch sagged, but the squirrel pulled itself up. It scurried off… This was a message for me. Courage wasn’t a feeling. It was a choice. It counted the cost, but still took the first step. So I hurried back home and made that phone call. God kept me safe…
(photo by Catherine Dempsey: ww.pexels.com)